Slacker Buddhism and Binding Magick

(Note: This post was edited 8/19/2009 to remove family member references. If you know me well enough, you know the details anyhow.)
You may be thinking that Slacker Buddhism and Binding Magick don't seem like they go together. But they do. See, it's sometimes necessary when someone is horribly obstructing the natural flow of Slack and the Working of Things.

Here at the Monastery, we had to do some binding magick. We hate doing it, and debated it for a while, mostly while drinking sweet tea and watching CSI: Las Vegas. Once again, we consulted the cats, who pounced on an unseen object, and we took that as the go ahead.

Why did we have to do it? Someone in my family is being an double-plus-major asshat. So, to keep them from hurting others, and themselves, I had to do a binding. Since this is serious business, we actually got dressed. Then, we set the appropriate music to play over the computer speakers. Then, we lit some incense and some candles, and then…it was the time on Sprockets where we danced…

The music started. It's a sacred binding chant by Slacker bodhisattva Jimmy Buffett. It's called the "Asshole Song."

"Were you born an asshole,
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine,
Cause you're an asshole tonight…

Yes, you're an A-S-S-H-O-L-E,
And don't you try to blame it on me.
You deserve all the credit,
Cause you're an asshole tonight.

All your friends are assholes,
You've known them your whole life.
And somebody told me,
You've got an asshole for a wife.

I was talking to your mother,
Just the other night,
I told her I thought you were an asshole,
She said yes, I think you're right.

You were an asshole yesterday,
You're an asshole tonight.
And I got a feeling,
You'll be an asshole the rest of your life!"

That's some sacred music right there. So, we danced around the living room, singing along, and imagining them set in the middle of a big clear plastic ball, able to move, but not able to hurt themselves or others. And it was good.