The Wage Mage and Anger Management

Today’s post has a little something to do with the previous post in that it has a LOT to do with family and somewhat to do with my own issues.

Last night, at about 11:00 PM, the Wage Mage’s Mother in Law showed up at our door. No notice, just showed up. The person she was living with kicked her out. So, now for the next couple days, until we can get social service assistance, she is staying with us. We live in a 600 foot one bedroom apartment that is barely big enough for two people. We have one bathroom, and a kitchen that makes some walk in closets look huge.

Today, my husband is taking her to do all the paperwork she needs to do. The big problem is that it takes time. My apartment complex will not let her stay for more than a few days without raising a fit. Her car is not registered with the complex, and I cannot register it without them knowing she is staying there. So, in addition to the stress of having my mother-in-law in annoyingly close quarters, I have to worry about my apartment people getting cranky.

Sufficed to say, I am pissed. Wait, I am more than pissed. I am enraged and infuriated. I am mad that her ex-husband has done nothing to support her for the past year, and decided to leave her JUST as she got sick. He knew she was almost homeless and did NOTHING. He’s living in a nice house with a sugar mama. I am mad that her other son has a nice 3 bedroom house in her area, and will NOT help. They have the room to take her and will not. They have told my husband they have no desire to help, and will not let her own granddaughter spend time with her. I am mad that her sister is married to a nuclear engineer and has a butt load of cash, but calls only to badmouth his mom, then tell us she cannot help, and oh, what happened to the money you had ten years ago? The answer, he used it to bail his parents out the first time. I am PISSED that all the Sunday Christians up there talk a damn fine line of bullshit about love and forgiveness and charity but turned their back on her when she needed them. He left her and they sided with him. I hope on your precious rapture and judgment day your God himself descends from the throne and drop kicks you into the depths of hell for this. Hypocrites.

There are those of you who probably believe that I don’t get mad. And I try desperately not to. I am waayyyy more forgiving than I should be; much to my husband’s annoyance. I usually let the diplomat side of me take over, and push the warrior side of me back. The guardian side usually mediates them pretty well, leaning more towards the diplomat. It’s the safer of the three sides. It’s also the reason why I will not let myself be hypnotized or get drunk. I prefer to be in control of my emotions and feelings. (That issue is on the 18th floor, 34th shelf from the left, next to the FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL issue.)

Which is why this little episode disturbed me:

I went to bed last night and before I fell asleep, I meditated, trying to calm myself down so I could get at least SOME sleep, as my Padawan is out for the next few days, and I’m going to be the only wage mage there.

Here’s what I remember of it, I think I fell asleep mid-meditation and it was just a really off dream. At least I hope it was.

Suddenly I had a 9 foot wingspan. I could feel the weight of them on my shoulders and lower back. They were huge and white. I was oddly calm, even though I was angry. All I could see in my mind was doing horrible things to the above people, while explaining to them very calmly that their callousness and selfishness was why this was happening to them, and that if they had not done these things, this thing would not have had to happen to them. The voice was almost like asking your friend to pass the salt, it was that calm.

And it scared the heck out of me. I opened my eyes sweating. I don’t know if that was a projection of my anger or something else, but that was certainly not me. At least I hope not.

It’s funny. The more I get into magick and Paganism the more I have had to forcibly deal with my emotional and other issues. Maybe it’s part of the process, I don’t know. I would tell the multiverse I’d really love a vacation, but yeah, I’d just get bitchslapped and told to get back to work.